When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Drunk is a universal language darling
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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