Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
