he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
