yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
