Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
