Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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