a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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