I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
