You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
