If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
