If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
