my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
