She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
