Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
