3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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