If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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