The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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