Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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