i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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