once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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