I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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