Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
