I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Sober January is a disaster.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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