He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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