i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He called his prostate his "boner button".
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
