i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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