Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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