guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
