I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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