Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
