I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
