Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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