I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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