toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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