I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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