I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
i've created a new STD.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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