90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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