The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Sober January is a disaster.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
