I think I won the penis lottery.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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