Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
