I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
