Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
