I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
