dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
