I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
nutella sex= disaster
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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