I met the friendliest cop last night
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
