you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
