I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
