Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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