where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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