Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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