paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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