I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You are a genius and a whore.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
