I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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