Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
